‘I wanted to end my life’

As a bright, young freshman, Janelle looked as if she had it all. But eating disorders consumed her – until she moved to London and saw God in the lives of the students around her.

Driving recklessly at the sight of a red traffic light. Watching a box of pills spill into the hollow of a hand. Watching until the box is emptied of its contents. Walking across the buzzing city streets not daring to look left or right.

Suicide – a thought and reality for many young people today. A feeling and thought that Janelle, a young New Yorker, found herself facing.

“I wanted a car to hit me, a bus, anything to end my life. I didn’t want to live. I lost all hope. I was dead.”

As a bright, young freshman, Janelle looked as if she had it all. As a young leader in her home church all eyes were on the popular, pretty high school girl to make it big in her college years.

But instead of dreams of destiny and hope all Janelle saw was black.

“I didn’t know what to study of what career path to take. l felt worthless. I was a failure and my life was going nowhere.”

As Janelle began her sophomore year in Boston, Massachusetts, the world she had once known began to crumble. Finding herself lost with no real direction, Janelle felt herself and God fading from her life.

“On the outside I was a friendly, fun person, but on the inside I was empty, alone and hopeless. No one could tell. I was Janelle and I was fine.”

Confused by this new feeling of emptiness Janelle sought ways to hide herself.

“I became obsessed with food and my weight. I knew exactly how many calories each thing contained. I skipped meals and over-exercised.”

Staring at the scale, Janelle beamed as she watched herself waste away. “By the end of the summer I had lost 30 pounds and I was happy. It felt so good to be thin – thin and beautiful.”

But then depression set in and loneliness became her companion, a loneliness that brought with it feelings of guilt and shame as she was consumed by her new-found love of food.

“I would eat until I felt sick. I would eat a whole bag of pretzels or crisps all at once. I would eat until it hurt. I was uncontrollable.”

This was when Janelle’s battle with anorexia and bulimia began. “I hated my body. I hated my face. My clothes didn’t fit. I was disgusting and I hated myself.”

Depression and despair forced Janelle to move back home for a time where she described her life as a constant battle.

“The battle is on the inside. It’s in your thoughts and mind.”

Nights became filled with tears and nightmares of the future. “My mom would hear me crying because the walls of our house are so thin. She told me later how afraid she was of what I might do to myself. She tells me now in Spanish how she used to listen to me crying – like a little bird, in sobs through the wall.”

And then came the opportunity to move to London as part of a university exchange programme. It was here that Janelle slowly began to find herself as she once again found God.

“I realise now that God never really meant anything to me all those years that I had grown up in the church. He had never really saved me and I never truly grasped the magnitude of Christ’s death and resurrection.

“God was really nothing to me back then. He was just there and I never had a true relationship with him. As a result, it was easy to fall away.”

Meeting new people and friends at Every Nation church, Janelle slowly started her road to recovery.

“I was still confused… I wanted to stop hurting myself but I couldn’t. I was slowly dying on the inside. In fact, I was already dead.”

But a weekend spent away with the student group at Every Nation changed Janelle’s life.

“The thought of God once again crossed my mind. I had seen love that weekend. I had seen students accept me. I had seen kindness towards me and acceptance from strangers and a comfortableness I had never felt before.

“Maybe God was really there. Maybe He was really in their lives. Maybe he was real. Maybe he could help me.”

With fresh hope, courage and determination Janelle once again found herself laughing at life.

“That morning my heart was freed, the chains were broken. God gave me hope. He gave me new life.”

As Janelle heads back to her home town New York, she is taking a little bit of London with her.

“Everyone at Every Nation is like family. I know God sent me here for a reason. I came to London so he could save me. He planned it perfectly and I am so grateful.

“Now it’s time to start a new chapter in my life and I am excited about it. Now I am ready for him to send me out.”

When asked about what next, Janelle smile and shrugs: “About how he changed my life? It’s about the hope that is in Him. About the love that He is. About how he healed me and how he changed my life.

“I want to impact others with my story. I want to share Jesus. He is the only way. He is the only hope of nations. I have a new hope. I see light now. I see a path. I saw darkness before but now I see life.”